


Let This Be The Way We Remember Us

by jane_x80



Series: All I Ask [2]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Break Up, Established Relationship, Heartbreak, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-10 01:06:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5562832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jane_x80/pseuds/jane_x80
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/5543567">It Matters How This Ends</a>, starting from the morning after Tony tries to break up with Gibbs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let This Be The Way We Remember Us

**Author's Note:**

> I feel kind of uncertain about this story - it feels fairly all over the place to me. I hope you guys don't find it disappointing as sequels go.
> 
> The inspiration for the series is Adele's song _All I Ask_. The titles of both stories are lines from this song.
> 
> I really need to stop obsessing about the song and this story! :)

Gibbs stirs early, as is his habit, and immediately reaches for Tony but he finds that he is alone in Tony’s bed. He sits up and softly calls the younger man’s name. No answer. He slips out of bed, checks the bathroom, the living room, the kitchen. Tony is not in the apartment and has not left him a note. He finds the Tony’s shirt, the one he’d ripped off the younger man last night, on the floor by the piano. He picks it up and brings it to his face, closing his eyes and inhaling that clean, faintly musky smell that is uniquely Tony’s, and clutches the shirt tight to his chest. He picks up a couple of the buttons that had been ripped off and looks around the apartment, surrounded by the sheer Tony-ness of it all. Sparse, clean lines, everything reeks of class, just like the real Tony himself, the one he hides under the mass of masks. The Tony that Gibbs has been privileged to know, and has managed to fuck over thoroughly.

Gibbs sighs and scrubs his face. He showers – noting that the tub is wet, Tony showered here earlier – and finds clothes to wear. His clothes are still in Tony’s drawers, even though Tony’s has been removed from his. He wonders if he had returned the next day as planned, if Tony would have left him a box of his things from Tony’s apartment at his house. And sadly, it wouldn’t even have had to be a big box. They have mostly stayed at Gibbs’ house instead of Tony’s apartment, because Gibbs needs his basement, to work on his boat, and also to surround himself with his things and his memories.

Tony understands that. Of course. But now Gibbs wonders, how much did Tony need his piano and his music to cope, and how much had he wished to be at his own home, doing his own version of sitting in the basement building a boat, and how much of this had Gibbs completely discounted and ignored?

Tony has even left him half a carafe of coffee to start his morning, still hot in the coffeemaker, so he hasn’t been gone that long. Gibbs stands there stupidly, wondering how on earth he is going to change Tony’s mind. Tony’s care of him seems so effortless – making sure he doesn’t leave Gibbs without coffee prepared being only one of the small examples. And why did it take the very real possibility of Tony leaving for him to see all this?

Tony is right. He deserves better. Gibbs has to be better. Gibbs has to make a very real effort in these next five days, or they will be his last five days with his lover.

Gibbs finishes dressing and drives to work, stopping by the diner to pick up another coffee for himself and a hot chocolate for Tony. When he gets to the bullpen, Tony is already hard at work, tackling the mounds of paperwork that a Senior Field Agent has to complete, in triplicate, on a daily basis. It is much too early for McGee and Bishop to arrive – so Tony is alone, doing his work.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Gibbs greets him, placing the hot chocolate in front of Tony.

Tony looks up, his face still pale, the circles under his eyes as dark as bruises. He attempts a smile, but fails miserably. “Thanks,” he says quietly, and turns back to his computer screen. After a moment of Gibbs standing in front of his desk, he looks up again. “Something else?”

“Missed you this morning,” Gibbs says.

Tony nods and tries to go back to work.

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

Tony keeps his eyes down. “Paperwork. Need to make sure I clear it all off,” he says shortly. “Don’t need McGee to leave you too.”

Gibbs’ heart pounds at this statement. He nods and swallows. After a moment of awkward silence, he walks to his desk and boots his computer up.

By the time McGee and Bishop arrive at work, the tension between the two senior members of the MCRT is palpable. Bishop looks questioningly at McGee, who shrugs and makes a face. While McGee starts work on his own reports, he notices that Gibbs’ eyes keep flicking over to Tony, who sits and works so quietly, it’s like it isn’t even Tony sitting there. Tony has not given them one smile, or one quirked eyebrow, or one McAnything. And Gibbs keeps staring at him, and his expression is unreadable.

Finally, Abby comes bounding into the bullpen, a ray of sunshine on this strange and stilted day.

“Tony-boy!” she greets Tony by throwing herself into his lap and hugging him enthusiastically. “You’ll never guess what I heard about you!”

“What’s that?” Tony graces her with a tiny smile and kisses her cheek.

“I heard from the DEA techs who heard from the FBI techs that you had an interview with the FBI! I was like, there is no friggin’ way Tony would do that! Complete and utter impossibility! Totally bogus rumor!”

Tony pales even more – McGee thinks the last time he looked this bad had been during his recovery from the plague. Tony clears his throat. “Well…”

“No!” Abby gasps. “You didn’t?”

Tony sighs and shrugs. “Just checking out my options, Abs.”

Abby looks closely at his face. “You look terrible, Tony,” she says bluntly. “What’s wrong? And why are you checking out your options?”

“No reason,” Tony says quietly. “Mind if I get back to work?”

And he carefully places Abby back on her feet, and turns back to his computer.

“Tony?” Abby asks.

“What?”

“Did they offer you a job?”

Tony looks up at Abby’s concern-filled eyes and stifles a groan. Of course Abby would hear about this and now she has announced it to the entire bullpen. Tony nods. “Yes.”

“Did you tell them to stick it where the sun don’t shine?”

Tony frowns. “I told them I would think about it.”

“Tony!?” Abby gasps. “You didn’t! But why would you?”

“Seriously, Abs. I just want to finish my goddamn paperwork. Can I please just do that right now?”

Abby is on her knees by Tony’s desk, hand on his arm. “What’s going on, Tony?”

Tony turns to her, and his pain-filled eyes almost knocks her over. He smiles, the saddest smile that she has ever seen. “Later, OK, Abs?” he says quietly.

Abby nods, and glancing over at Gibbs who has been staring at them, listening to the entire exchange silently, she slowly walks away.

“Coffee run,” Tony announces, standing up, pulling his badge and gun from the drawer and pulling his coat on. Leather again today. He notices Gibbs noticing it – Gibbs thinks Tony in leather is too sexy for work, but now Tony flaunts it. Gibbs has lost the right to care about what he wears. Without looking at his teammates, he strides away, taking the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator.

McGee and Bishop are standing in front of Gibbs’ desk as soon as Tony is out of sight.

“Boss? Surely Tony’s not thinking of leaving us?” McGee asks, completely surprised and full of disbelief.

Gibbs grunts in response, staring at them, his pain shining through his clear blue eyes.

“But why, Boss? Tony loves us. Tony loves you. Loves working with you. He always has. He would never leave you.”

To McGee’s surprise, Gibbs closes his eyes for a moment. Then he stands and walks away without a word.

“What the fuck is going on?” McGee asks out loud, looking at Bishop who looks just as perplexed.

“We better find out quick,” Bishop says, her eyes serious. “Did you see how Tony looked? He’s ready to bolt.”

McGee nods. “I’m going to find out what the hell the FBI offered him that’s so fucking irresistible.”

“I’ll call some of my NSA buddies under the table to find out if Tony’s on some super secret undercover op and if it went wrong or something.”

“Good idea.”

So the two junior members of the MCRT begin their digging. When Tony comes back with coffee for everyone, Gibbs is back at his desk, ostensibly reading through some file folders, but the moment Tony sits back at his desk, his eyes are drawn to the younger man again. And as before, Tony scrupulously ignores Gibbs and refuses to look at him.

When McGee and Bishop regroup in the men’s room, he has the particulars of the very generous offer from the FBI.

“They offered him an Assistant Directorship,” he tells Bishop quietly. “Lots more money. Not that Tony cares about that shit, he loves being a field agent. But he actually applied for this job. And it is in San Diego!”

“As in California?”

McGee nods solemnly. “As in as far from here as he can possibly get.”

“Fuck!”

“That’s what I said too.”

“What the hell is going on?”

“There’s something going on between Tony and Gibbs. Did you notice how Gibbs is just fucking staring at him all morning? And he’s completely ignoring the Boss?”

“I thought maybe I was being paranoid.”

“Nope. I’m seeing it too.”

“Is Gibbs maybe just really mad that Tony’s thinking of leaving?”

“Maybe, but I thought there was something else. Some subtext we’re not getting.”

“Fuck, what do we do?”

McGee shrugs. “I don’t know. But I’m going to try and talk to Tony later. Not in the office and definitely not in front of Gibbs. What’s your NSA sources say?”

“No chatter whatsoever. Whatever this is, either it’s completely buried so deep even the NSA doesn’t know about it, or it’s something internal to NCIS.”

“Damn.”

The two agree that they will keep their eyes and ears open for more information but that there is not much they can do at this point.

Later that morning, Tony’s desk phone rings. It is a summons from Vance. He stands and tells the air above Gibbs’ head – still refusing to meet Gibbs’ gaze – that he is headed up to see the Director. He climbs up the stairs as if his feet are filled with lead and nervously walks into Vance’s office when his assistant ushers him right in.

“DiNozzo,” Vance greets him.

“Sir,” he says politely. “What’s up?”

“I hear you’re entertaining offers from the FBI for a position there?”

Tony shrugs. “Checking out my options, sir.”

“You know there are options internally to NCIS?”

Tony looks completely surprised. “Sir?”

“If you’re looking for a promotion, you’ve been ready to be Team Lead for years now. You’re the one who keeps turning down what we offer. I assumed it’s because you want to stay with Gibbs.”

Tony’s eyes become carefully blank, his face devoid of expression, and Vance is suddenly reminded of Tony’s undercover abilities. “I didn’t really see any interesting openings within NCIS,” he sidesteps the subject of Gibbs altogether.

“If you wanted to stay in DC, we can always form a second MCRT for you to lead,” Vance says.

Tony’s eyes widen in surprise. “My own MCRT?” he repeats.

“If you want. You’d get to pick your team.”

Tony thinks for a moment, then carefully says, “And if I wasn’t looking to stay in DC?”

Vance looks at him in shock. “Is that why you were looking at a position in San Diego?”

“It was a possible thought, yes.”

“We could use a team lead in Norfolk,” Vance says, and seeing Tony’s expression, he tries some other cities, “Honolulu? Rota?” He notices the slight perk up in the level of interest the farther he gets from DC.

“Did you want to leave the field? Wallace spoke to me and I know he’s offering you the position of Assistant Director – not a field position.”

“I love being in the field, sir, but I didn’t see any interesting options out there so I thought I’d give the Assistant Director thing a shot. I figure I know how to deal with people,” Tony says quietly.

Vance nods. “Well, if you wanted something not in the field, I’ve been looking to fill an Associate Deputy Director slot at NCIS. You’d be perfect for the job.”

“Where would I be located for that?”

“That would be in LA.”

Tony nods and bites his top lip, something Vance realizes that he does when he is seriously contemplating something. “Sir?”

“Yes DiNozzo.”

“Permission to speak freely, sir?”

“Go ahead.”

Tony frowns. “I don’t understand why you’re giving me all these options? Let’s face it, you’ve never been a fan of the DiNozzo method of doing anything.”

Vance sighs. “That was a long time ago, DiNozzo. I’ve since gotten to know you. I’ve read your file. I know you’ve earned graduate degrees while working for Gibbs – which I don’t quite understand how you found the time, given the kind of taskmaster that he is. I’ve looked up the things that you don’t put in your file. You like people to underestimate you, and I’m afraid I fell for it for a few years.”

Tony smiles faintly. “Fair enough.”

“It would be a loss to NCIS if you left,” Vance says.

“I appreciate your honesty sir. Maybe you can email me my options and the benefits packages. I will give them all careful consideration.”

Vance smiles. “Thank you. I will also include the new DC MCRT Team Lead option, and I would be open to discussing perhaps specializing in undercover ops or something of that nature. I think your expertise there would be most valuable.”

The smile widens, although it is still a fraction of the usual DiNozzo smile wattage. “Thank you, sir.” He turns to leave.

“DiNozzo?”

Tony is almost to Vance’s door, and he turns, one eyebrow raised inquiringly, “Sir?”

“After all these years of you adamantly refusing promotions, refusing to leave the MCRT, what brought this on?”

Tony blinks a few times before he says, “I’m afraid it’s personal sir.”

Vance nods and Tony leaves. The director breathes a sigh. He wonders what happened to cause this change and how personal could it be. After fifteen years with Gibbs, surely there isn’t a personality clash that cannot be resolved, certainly not something that requires DiNozzo moving cross-country to escape. Gibbs and DiNozzo would just yell at each other for a few days before they figure things out, he’s seen it happen before. Disagreement with McGee? He knows DiNozzo and McGee have had their rocky moments, but he had thought they had gelled well in the last couple of years, and had been thankful that DiNozzo would have a pre-trained Senior Field Agent should Gibbs’ injuries have made him unable to continue in the field. He turns his mind to Ellie Bishop. Surely DiNozzo wouldn’t have to leave the MCRT because of little Agent Bishop? Unless he was the reason Bishop’s marriage was rocky? He decides he would watch the MCRT closely for the next few days. He also instructs HR to email DiNozzo detailed information packages for the options he had tossed out.

When Tony sits back down at his desk, McGee bravely asks him, “What did Vance want, Tony?”

To McGee’s surprise, Tony’s ears turn pink. He clears his throat. “He wanted to discuss the FBI’s offer, and he made some counter offers.”

“He offered you a promotion?”

“If I want it,” Tony admits.

“It’s not the first time he’s offered.”

Tony nods.

“But this time you’re actually thinking about it?”

Tony’s ears turn pinker. “They were very interesting offers.”

“Offers. Plural?”

Tony nods.

“Would you stay in the DC office if you chose one of Vance’s offers?” Bishop asks.

Tony shrugs. “We’ll see.”

Then he turns back to his screen and refuses to answer any more questions. McGee notes that for the duration of the conversation, Tony does not even look in Gibbs’ direction, and conversely Gibbs is openly staring at Tony. He sighs inwardly. This is one hell of a mess and he and Bishop had better figure it out quickly or they will lose Tony.

Gibbs gets up for a coffee run, and when he returns, he brings an extra cup and places it on Tony’s desk. Tony nods and thanks him quietly without looking at him, and Gibbs nods and grunts something before going back to his desk.

Around lunch time, Tony’s cell rings. “DiNozzo,” he answers quietly. “Sir?” He sounds surprised.

McGee and Bishop’s ears perk up, seeing Tony’s expression.

“Uh, no, I haven’t had lunch yet, sir,” he continues. “What? Oh. Now? You’re what? Uh, sure. I guess so. Be right down, sir.” The call over, he sits for a minute, looking at his phone.

“Who was that?” Bishop asks, openly curious.

“My lunch date,” Tony says, a trace of his usual humor in his voice.

“Sure ‘sir’ed him a lot for a date,” McGee teases.

“Taking lunch now, Boss,” Tony tells Gibbs, again without looking at him. He grabs his gear, slings his leather jacket on, and flashes a disbelieving grin at McGee and Bishop.

An hour later, during which time Gibbs has bitten Bishop’s and McGee’s heads off for seemingly no reason, Tony returns. Despite his pallor, he looks more hopeful.

“What’s going on, Tony?” McGee goes to his desk and asks him quietly.

Tony looks up at him, his green eyes large with wonder. “Tom Morrow took me to lunch and offered me a job.”

“What?”

“I know!”

“Did you apply to anything with Homeland?”

“No. I only applied to the one job at the FBI.”

“And now they’re coming out of the woodwork to court you!” McGee grins, suddenly filled with pride.

“It’s fucking unbelievable,” Tony breathes. “Weird shit going on, Probie. Weird shit.”

“Not so weird, Tony. You’re good and everyone knows it.”

Tony flashes him a smile that reaches his eyes. “Aw thanks, Tim. You’re sweet.”

McGee looks affronted at being called sweet, but he realizes that Tony is sincere so he smiles back. “Let me take you out for a beer after work and you can tell me about all these jobs you’re looking at?”

Tony’s smile fades.

“Please?” McGee gives him his best puppy dog eyes and pouts.

“Fuck you and your damned eyes, McBeggin’ Strips,” Tony sighs. “All right.”

Tim smiles. The rest of the day passes quietly, the team working on paperwork and later McGee and Bishop begin reviewing cold case files. At 1800 Gibbs dismisses the team.

“DiNozzo,” Gibbs says, and his voice makes everybody jump. It is the first time he has said Tony’s name all day. “A minute?”

McGee looks at Tony, “I’ll wait for you downstairs for that beer?”

Tony nods. After McGee and Bishop get on the elevator he trudges to Gibbs’ desk.

“Congratulations on all the job offers,” Gibbs says quietly.

Tony looks at him, wide-eyed, meeting his gaze for the first time all day.

“Proud of ya,” Gibbs says gruffly. “Sorry I’ve been holding you back.”

Tony stands there for a moment, dumbstruck. He clears his throat, but when his eyes fill with tears, he manages a strangled “Thanks” before fleeing. He takes a minute to calm himself in the stairwell before he walks out to the parking lot where McGee is waiting.

“Everything OK?” McGee asks, glad that Tony looks relatively normal and not beat up or anything.

Tony nods wordlessly.

“Seriously Tony, are you OK?” McGee asks. “Why do you want to leave us?”

Tony looks down at his feet. “I don’t want to talk about this tonight, McGee,” he says softly.

“What happened?” McGee sounds so concerned that Tony’s eyes fill again. He is turning into quite the cryer, he thinks. “What’s making you so unhappy?”

“Hey, you promised me a beer and we can talk about the crazy job offers,” he says gruffly.

“Tony,” McGee says softly, taking his arm, trying to get him look at him. When Tony looks up briefly, McGee is shocked to see that Tony’s eyes are brimming with tears. “You can talk to me about stuff, you know? You don’t have to just keep everything in.”

Tony nods. “I can’t talk about this right now,” he whispers.

McGee puts his arm around Tony and hugs him awkwardly. “I wish I could help you.”

“That beer’ll do me, Tim,” Tony says quietly.

McGee smiles. “Then let’s go.”

They drive to their favorite after work bar and spend a fun hour where Tony recounts the different job offers, doing impressions of Directors Wallace, Vance and Morrow.

Before they leave, McGee looks at Tony, “You sure you don’t want talk about what it is that’s bothering you so much that you feel you have to leave?”

Tony looks away. “Not today, McGee.”

“You haven’t been eating or sleeping much, Tony. We know this.”

“Thanks for the drinks, Probie. Say hi to Bishop and Abby for me,” Tony smiles and leaves.

Sighing, McGee calls Bishop and Abby to update them of his time with Tony.

When Tony gets home, he finds that he has far too much energy so he decides to cook. He can always freeze stuff if he doesn’t actually feel like eating, but it would be an activity that would stop him from wallowing. He makes a breakup songs playlist and has that playing while he starts making fresh pasta.

McGee calls him while he is chopping vegetables. Tony shakes his head – McGee is actually worried about him and checking to see if he’s eating.

“I’m making my dinner right now, Probie,” he assures him.

“I can come over with a pizza, if you like.”

“I’m fine. I’m cooking. I promise I will eat something tonight.”

The doorbell rings. Snorting in disbelief, Tony wrenches the door open, “Fuck you McWorrywart, I’m fine and I don’t need pizza!” And he freezes.

“I’m not there, Tony.”

“Um, no, no you’re not McGee. Hey, let me call you back, OK?”

“Do I need to call for backup?”

“Uh, no. No backup needed. Talk to you later, Tim.”

Tony ends the call and stares at Sarah Porter, the Secretary of the Navy, who is standing outside his door wearing an immaculate skirt suit, accompanied by two very large marines. He looks down at himself – in an old t-shirt and his boxers, and he blushes.

“Uh, Ma’am? Did we catch a case?”

“No, Agent DiNozzo. I wonder if I might come in and talk to you for a minute?”

“Um, sure?” he steps aside and gestures for her to enter. “What about your detail?”

“They will wait for me here.”

Tony nods at the big guys stationing themselves on either side of the exterior of his front door, and closes the door. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to go put something else on,” he says, retreating to his bedroom. He comes right out after putting jeans on but decides to just leave the old t-shirt on.

When he comes out, the SecNav is checking out the sheet music on his piano.

“Didn’t know you played, Agent DiNozzo?” she says. “And looks like you’re no beginner.”

Tony shrugs. “My mother’s influence,” he says. “Uh, sorry for the profanity when I opened the door, Ma’am.”

“I’m now the Secretary of the Navy. I’m around marines all the time. Believe me, I hear profanities every day.”

Tony smiles. “So uh, what brings you by? Do you mind if I keep going in the kitchen?”

“What are you making?”

“Linguini and shrimp in pesto sauce.”

“Sounds good.”

“Have you eaten, Ma’am? You’re welcome to stay. I’ve certainly got plenty.”

Porter smiles at him. “Thank you, I think I will join you for dinner.” Tony pours her a glass of wine and she sits on a stool at the island while Tony makes his basil pesto from scratch, sautees shrimp, and drops the fresh linguini in boiling water. He puts together side salads and their dinner comes together fairly quickly. He tries not to feel overly self-conscious as Porter seems content to sit and watch him in silence, an amused look in her eye.

When they start eating, she begins.

“Leon Vance spoke to me today and mentioned that he had given you several different options for promotion within NCIS,” she says.

Tony nods, playing with a piece of lettuce. “He did, Ma’am.”

“Also I have heard that the FBI and Homeland have also offered you fairly good positions?”

Tony nods again.

“I have to say I’m surprised. You were never interested in advancing your career before. I’ve read Leon’s file on you.”

Tony’s ears turn pink. “Circumstances changed. I don’t believe I can stay where I am right now.”

“So you’re not actually looking for career advancement?”

“Not specifically, no. I applied to one job because it covered my criteria and the other stuff just snowballed themselves in.”

“The FBI job?”

Tony nods.

“You despise the FBI. Even I know that.”

He shrugs. “Still law enforcement, I guess.”

“And it’s in California.”

“Yep.”

Porter points out the music – Toni Braxton’s _Unbreak my Heart._ “I hear what you’re listening to here, Agent DiNozzo.”

He flushes.

“So, bad break up? You need to leave DC?”

Tony clears his throat. “You could say that. Nobody’s running me out of town though. No impropriety or whatever.”

“Just too much has happened to stay?” Porter’s tone is gentle.

Tony nods, keeping his eyes on his food.

“You wouldn’t be the first person to want to move across the country because of a breakup.”

Tony grins. “No. Definitely not original,” he agrees. His phone rings, surprising them both. McGee’s photo flashes on screen. “Excuse me, one sec. If I don’t answer, McGee might call 911,” he grins at Porter. “Probie, I promise you I’m fine. And I’m eating my dinner right now, McDinnerInterruptus. Stop calling me tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye, McGee.”

“That was McGee?”

“He likes to worry about stuff.”

“He worries about you.”

“Probie worries about everything.”

“You haven’t actually eaten your dinner. You’ve played with it,” Porter points out.

Tony sighs and gives her a ‘not you, too,’ look.

“You are very close to your team.”

“It’s no secret we’re close.”

“They’re your family, basically.”

“Yep. Way more than my actual blood relatives.”

“So what’s so bad that you have to leave your family?”

Porter sees sadness flash through Tony’s eyes before he closes it off. “We all have to leave the nest some time, Ma’am,” he says softly.

Porter’s blue eyes are very understanding. “I don’t mean to pry or make things worse for you.”

“It’s fine. So surely the SecNav herself isn’t just here to help me get over my broken heart?” he says lightly.

“I wanted to talk to you myself to see if I could find out what your motivations were for leaving the MCRT. You’ve been highly successful there. And also, I wanted to throw my hat into the ring.”

“What hat, and what ring?” Tony looks puzzled.

“I wanted to talk to you about a job.”

“But I already work for you.”

“No, Agent DiNozzo. You work for NCIS. While NCIS is under my jurisdiction, technically you don’t quite work for me. You work for Vance.”

“Semantics.”

“I have a position in mind. Not within NCIS, but in my own office.”

Tony starts laughing in disbelief. “Fuck,” he says softly. “One interview with the FBI and suddenly I’m inundated with offers.”

Porter smiles. “You underestimate your own worth,” she says. “Are you open to another possibility?”

“Hit me with it,” Tony smiles.

“Undersecretary of the Navy.”

Tony laughs hard. “Good one,” he says, “no really. What’s the job?”

“Undersecretary of the Navy. You would report to me.”

Tony sobers up quickly. “Ma’am? I’m just a Senior Field Agent. I’m not a Team Lead, or a Director of anything, nor have I ever served in the Navy or any of the armed forces. You want to offer me the position of Undersecretary of the Navy? That’s just crazy!”

“I’ve seen your qualifications. And in our circle, your removal of Daniel Budd as a threat and the dismantling of The Calling is a huge thing. Your word carries weight. Besides, the SFA who’s served with Gibbs for as long as you have, thirteen years?”

“Fifteen.”

“Fifteen years with Gibbs – you again underestimate your street cred. I think you’d do well.”

“But I’m a cop. What do you need a cop for?”

“The Undersecretary actually does a lot of investigative work for me. You’ll have a staff, of course. But I expect you to actually do the work, figuring things out for me. There’s also a lot of representing me at all kinds of meetings and such. So even though your office is technically here in DC, I would doubt that you’d be in town more than five days a month. You wouldn’t even have to move and you wouldn’t actually work in DC. Covering your moving across the country criteria without actually having to move.”

Tony frowns. “That is a plus. The actual moving part I wasn’t looking forward to.”

“What else is a concern for you?”

“I’m a cop and have been for over twenty years. I’m used to carrying a weapon. I don’t know if I can forgo that.”

“I would expect you to be able to defend yourself,” she opens her purse and shows him the handle of her gun.

Tony nods. “Good.” Tony looks thoughtful. “What’s the catch?”

“No catch. I think you’d be a great Undersecretary and be able to do a lot of good work, still serving your country. You’d make even more of a difference and have a voice in the things that have frustrated you in the past – the brass interfering type issues. You could try it for a year. And if you wanted to go back to doing field work after that, I’m sure Leon would have some opportunities for you then as well. You’d be an even more attractive candidate.”

Tony blows out a breath. “How long do I have to think about this?”

“I’ll expect an answer in a week.”

“OK.”

“And you should eat something,” Porter points to his forgotten dinner. “No girl is worth this.”

Tony grins humorlessly. “I guess I can always stand to lose a few pounds, Ma’am.”

“Also, you should probably call me Sarah if we’re to be working together?”

“Tony,” he points to himself. His phone rings again. Porter watches as his face falls. He excuses himself and stands by the sink, back to her, speaking softly.

“DiNozzo.”

“Hey sweetheart,” Gibbs’ warm voice says. “I was just checking in to see how you’re doing?”

“I’m OK.”

“Do you mind if I come over?”

Tony sighs. “I don’t know…”

“Please? We don’t have to do anything. I just miss you.”

Moment of silence. “Fine.”

“Thirty minutes then.”

“OK.”

He turns back to Porter. She smiles at him. “Let me guess, the reason why you need to move is coming over?”

Tony shrugs helplessly.

“You still love her,” Porter says softly.

Tony’s grin is more like a grimace. “I’m a fucking idiot,” he agrees.

“She knows you’re planning to leave?”

“Yep.”

“Well, good luck with everything. My assistant will email you the full information about the job.”

“Right. Well, thanks for coming over in person.”

“You’re welcome.” She starts towards the door.

“Hold on. Your detail must be starving. There’s never good food breaks when you’re on protection detail,” Tony mutters. He packs two containers of pasta and rummages in a drawer for plastic forks and walks Porter to the door. He hands each of the marines a container, and shakes Porter’s outstretched hand.

“Thank you for dinner, Agent DiNozzo. It was delicious. I am impressed you made everything from scratch, including the pasta.”

Tony smiles. “Thanks for the talk. And the offer. I look forward to reading more about it via email.”

Tony sits on his sofa, feeling completely overwhelmed. He now has more job offers than he knows what to do with. His breath hitches. There is only one person he wants to share all this information with, and one person whose advice he would welcome. And that is the one person he can’t talk to anymore. He sighs and scrubs his face.

When Gibbs arrives, he lets himself in using his key and sees Tony sitting on the sofa, blankly looking at the TV which wasn’t even on.

“You OK?” he asks.

Tony jumps. “Oh. Hey. Just having the most surreal day ever,” he says. “There’s pasta if you’re hungry.”

“Did you eat, sweetheart?”

“Not too much I guess.”

Gibbs convinces Tony to sit and eat with him. Tony manages to eat a little under the force of Gibbs’ implacable glare. Then they clean the kitchen together.

“Who else came for dinner?” Gibbs asks, nodding to the other empty plate in the sink and the wine glass with the trace of lipstick on its rim.

“That’s the surreal part,” Tony sighs. “Gibbs. I know you don’t want me to leave. But, really. You’ve been the person I’ve talked to the most in the past fifteen years. Your basement step has been like a confessional for me.”

“I know.”

“I-if I ask you for your honest opinion on things – things on this whole job front – could you do that for me? Be the Gibbs who listens objectively and says his two sentences that seems to clear all the confusion?”

Gibbs frowns, his mouth a straight line. Finally he sighs. “Only if you stop calling me Gibbs. At least for tonight.”

Tony flashes him a small smile. They get ready for bed and Tony sighs when he settles himself against Gibbs’ body, and Gibbs puts his arms around him and begins petting him and running his fingers over his body gently. Once in bed, in the dark, Tony tells Gibbs about the different job options, and the SecNav’s surprise visit and job offer. He has both arms on Gibbs’ chest, his chin resting on his flattened palms, looking into his beautiful blue eyes.

“I don’t know what to do, Jethro,” he admits. “When there was only one choice, it seemed simple. And San Diego has nice weather.”

Gibbs puts his hand on Tony’s cheek and sighs when Tony closes his eyes and leans into his touch. “I think you’ll get more offers before it’s all said and done,” he says gruffly. “Then we can talk some more.”

“You really think I’ll have even more options?” Tony frowns.

“They know you’re shopping around now. They’ll definitely come around. Watch for even better counter offers now that they know they’re bidding against each other.”

Tony shakes his head in disbelief. “This is crazy,” he says quietly.

“Not so crazy. Everyone knows you can do anything, and you’re good at whatever you set out to do.”

Tony smiles, that small shy smile, the one that makes Gibbs’ breath hitch. Shyly, he drops a kiss on Gibbs’ chest and puts his head down, ear to Gibbs’ steady heartbeat.

“You deserve all this, sweetheart,” Gibbs’ continues quietly. “All this and more.”

Tony tightens his hold on Gibbs’ torso, and Gibbs runs his calloused fingers through Tony’s hair.

“Thank you for this,” Tony says softly.

Gibbs grunts.

“Also…you’ve never held me back,” he says hesitantly. “What you said earlier. It’s not true. You’ve never held me back. Always made me do more than I thought I could, always made me be more than my best effort. You helped to make me what I am today.”

Gibbs feels wet drops on his chest. Gently he wipes the tears from Tony’s eyes. “Shhh,” he whispers, continuing to caress Tony’s face. “I know you can’t stay with me forever, sweetheart. It was selfish of me to keep you with me this long.”

Tony buries his face in Gibbs’ chest, his lips quivering, eyes leaking. “I don’t want to go,” he whispers brokenly.

“I know, sweetheart. But I think I agree with you. You have to now.”

Tony starts sobbing silently.

“I watched you all day today and all I could think was what a selfish bastard I was,” Gibbs continues. “You’re so much more than you know. I can’t stand in your way. I want you to do more, be more. Whichever job you choose, you’ll be amazing at it. And I want you to know that whatever happens between us personally, I’m always here for you if you need professional advice. I’m always in your corner. I’ll always support you, whatever you choose to do.”

“Fuck,” Tony wails, “where was this a month ago? Two weeks ago? Where was this before I had to make the choice I’ve made?”

“I’m sorry sweetheart,” Gibbs’ voice trembles. “I really am a fucking bastard. And I’m no good for you.”

Tony continues sobbing into Gibbs’ chest, while the older man continues to rub him soothingly, murmuring words of love and comfort.

“Every day,” Tony finally controls himself. “Every day I told myself. If you did something for me, some little thing, then I wouldn’t have to do anything, wouldn’t have another reason to leave you. Like if you’d called me your first day in California, I wouldn’t have cleared my stuff out of your house. Or if you’d say you love me before I did at night, then I give you another chance, stay another week. But then I found myself falling asleep without telling you I loved you because I was waiting for you to say it first. And you never did. It’s all so stupid but I needed you to give me something.”

“I know, sweetheart.”

“But you didn’t.”

“No. I didn’t. And you didn’t deserve that.”

“No, I didn’t,” Tony sniffs and wipes his eyes. “How did we get here, Jethro?”

Gibbs sighs.

“How did we get to the point where I need to move across the country because of what’s going on with us?”

“I forgot my promises to you,” Gibbs admits. “That’s how.”

Tony nods and sighs, trying to will his tears away. “I’m tired,” he finally whispers.

“Sleep,” Gibbs whispers back. “I’ve got your six.”

Tony closes his eyes, drained.

“I love you sweetheart,” Gibbs tells him softly, and wipes the tears that keep leaking out of Tony’s eyes with a gentle, calloused thumb, soothing his lover until he cries himself to sleep.

In the end, Tony receives offers from the DEA, CIA, NSA, DOD, TSA, INS and counter offers from the FBI, Homeland and within NCIS. Every night, he discusses his options with Gibbs as they cling to each other in bed. Some nights they make slow, sweet love, both of them painfully aware that this could be their last time together and that they should make it count, trying to sear the taste of each other’s skins, the soft moans of pleasure, and the feel of each other’s bodies into their long term memory. They both know that this will end when Tony leaves NCIS. He needs a clean break in order to move forward. But in the meantime, Gibbs holds him close, whispers all the words that he should have whispered during their time together, and they worship each other’s bodies and Gibbs kisses Tony’s tears away every night.

At work, Tony is still tight-lipped about his reasons for leaving. Until Bishop accidentally triggers something. She still brings him snacks and food, noticing that he is still not eating much. One morning, she hands him half of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

“Hey, Tony, you should try this. I got this awesome creamy peanut butter, it’s organic. I know how much you love creamy peanut butter so I thought you’d appreciate this,” she says, smiling as she hands him half of her sandwich.

Tony hasn’t had peanut butter in over a year. Suddenly the realization that Bishop knows that he doesn’t like crunch in his peanut butter, and Gibbs still didn’t hits him hard. He gives Gibbs a frantic look, his eyes begin filling, and he flees to the men’s room leaving McGee and Bishop looking at each other in confusion. They look at Gibbs whose expression is inscrutable, and they both run to the men’s room to find Tony washing his face in the sink.

“What the hell happened?” McGee asks.

“Nothing,” Tony says shortly, and begins fixing imagined issues with his already perfect hair.

“Tony. You just about burst into tears because I gave you a PB and J,” Bishop says. “That’s not normal.”

“This has something to do with why you’re so set on leaving, isn’t it?” McGee demands. “We heard your reasons were ‘personal’. Do you have a problem with us? With me? Or Bishop?”

“Fuck,” Tony closes his eyes. “You guys are reasons to stay,” he says softly.

“So why do you have to leave?” McGee wants to know.

Tony keeps touching his hair. “Rule 12,” he finally says, “It makes sense. I broke it. And now I can’t stay.”

“What? Everyone knows you sleep with the secretarial pool, Tony,” McGee teases gently. “It’s probably written into their HR contracts.”

He smiles and sighs. “I haven’t. Not in a long time.”

“You’ve been dating someone exclusively?” Bishop guesses. “For how long?”

“Two years,” Tony admits.

“And it’s someone here at NCIS?”

Tony nods.

“Who is it?”

Tony sighs. “Look. Can we just say it’s not a good breakup and leave it at that?”

“Does Gibbs know you’ve been breaking Rule 12?” McGee asks.

Tony shrugs. “Yeah.”

“How long has he known?”

“From the beginning.”

“Aw man, Tony. That’s why things are so weird between you two? He told you not to break Rule 12 and you did it anyway, and now that you think you can’t stay he’s giving you the evil eye?” McGee’s eyes are sympathetic.

“Something like that.”

“But why would you have to leave?” Bishop asks.

“It’s too hard to keep being here,” Tony says quietly, and they see the tears pooling in his eyes again.

“You’re still in love with her?” McGee gasps.

“And now we’re done talking about this,” Tony says as he splashes more water on his face and dries it on a paper towel. “Back to work before Gibbs comes in here and kills us all for chit-chatting on his time.”

The office buzzes with this new information and there is huge office pool and people betting on the person Tony has been secretly in a relationship with. Tony looks at all the names and grins. During their night-time conversations, he tells Gibbs that at least all the women on the list are extremely hot. Gibbs’ answer is an affectionate headslap.

In the end, with Gibbs’ help, Tony chooses the SecNav’s offer. It is only for a year, and Vance promises that if Tony wants to come back to NCIS, that there would be a place for him, a good one.

Tony brings a small shoebox in to work to pack his belongings. Ziva’s Star of David, his Mighty Mouse stapler, and a bunch of photos. A few personal files and all his extra clothes go in his backpack. He opens the bottom drawer with the locked box containing all of Gibbs’ medals. He stares at it for a long time. He unlocks it and carefully runs his fingers over each of the medals. He chooses to take the first one that he ever accepted for Gibbs, back when he had just started working for him. He puts it carefully in his shoebox. Then he locks the metal box, and hands it and the keys over to McGee.

“Keep them safe,” he tells McGee. “Tell the Boss I kept one. For old times.”

McGee nods and makes room for the box in his bottom drawer.

“Watch his six for me,” Tony orders McGee.

When they close their final case together, Tony hides in the bathroom for a long time and nobody says anything about his swollen eyes when he returns.

Vance throws a farewell party for Tony on his last day. There are balloons. There is cake. There is even booze. There are many speeches. Tony stands on a chair and gives a funny, heartfelt speech, thanking everyone for the best fifteen years of his life before he makes the rounds to personally say goodbye to everyone, leaving those closest to him for last.

Abby clings to him and openly sobs into his shirt. He hugs Palmer tightly, patting his head and thanking him for always being there for him even when the others didn’t see him. Ducky holds him for long moments, unable to believe that his Anthony was leaving NCIS. “This does not remind me of any time at all,” he says sadly. “I never thought you would be the one to leave, Anthony.” Tony rubs his back soothingly, assuring him that he will visit when he can.

He smiles at Vance and holds out his hand. He is surprised when Vance takes his hand and pulls him in for a tight hug.

Tony smiles as he sizes Bishop up. “Practice the door-kicking in, and don’t go easy on your new probie when you get one,” he tells her. She laughs, which turns into a sob. “Chin up,” Tony says, chucking her under her chin before she throws herself into his arms, tears leaking from her eyes.

When he stands in front of McGee whose eyes are suspiciously red, he smiles. “Proud of you, Probie,” he says softly. “It’s your turn to watch everyone’s sixes now, Senior Field Agent McGeek.”

McGee nods, unable to say any words. Tony hugs him gently, and kisses his temple, the way he kisses Abby. “You’re the only brother I’ve ever had,” he says quietly. “Don’t be a stranger.”

“Watch your six, Tony,” McGee mutters. “And stay clear of painkillers.” Which makes Tony laugh.

Finally, everyone watches as Tony stands in front of Gibbs, his longtime partner and boss. The two men stare at each other for what seemed like forever. Then Tony smiles his biggest smile. “Thanks for everything Boss,” he says.

As he turns away, Gibbs grabs his wrist and pulls him into an embrace, and kisses him hard. Tony melts into the kiss, opening his mouth, welcoming Gibbs’ tongue exploring his mouth one last time. Then he pulls away, ignoring the slight whimper from Gibbs, and leans his forehead against Gibbs’, eyes closed, Gibbs hand clutching tightly at his shirt front.

“Love you,” he whispers, and gracefully turns and walks away from his silver fox without looking back.

Shocked eyes follow Tony’s figure as he leaves the break room and heads to his desk one last time. He leaves his badge and service weapon on Gibbs’ desk. And with a jaunty wave, he takes the stairs down to the parking level.

While everyone’s eyes were on Tony, McGee watches as Gibbs stands there, face frozen as if etched in stone, before it crumples into an expression of desolation and longing. And then it finally hits McGee. Tony and Gibbs had been breaking Rule 12. For two years!

And then Gibbs disappears and takes the rest of the week off.

That night, when Tony doesn’t answer his phone, McGee knocks on Tony’s door, calling his name. He has brought all the farewell gifts that Tony left at the office. He finally digs out his spare key and lets himself into the dark apartment.

“Hey, Tim,” Tony’s quiet voice comes from the sofa. “Grab a glass from the kitchen for yourself.”

Tim waits until his eyes adjust to the relative darkness and obeys before he sits next to Tony on the sofa. Tony pours him a very generous amount of bourbon.

“So, nobody won the office pool,” McGee says as he sips the bourbon.

Tony laughs. Then he starts sobbing.

“Fuck, Tony,” McGee sounds exasperated. “It was Gibbs?”

“S’why I couldn’t stay,” Tony says in between sobs.

“What happened with the two of you? Why did you guys break up?” McGee thinks this is one of the most bizarre conversations that he’s ever had with Tony.

“It’s complicated.”

“Nutshell it for me.”

Long moment of silence. “He didn’t love me enough,” Tony finally says. “I can’t live like that. Like he’s ashamed of me.”

“Oh, Tony,” McGee puts a hand on Tony’s shoulder. McGee watches as Tony visibly shuts down his emotions.

“Don’t let him drink too much,” Tony tells McGee. “Watch his six for me.”

McGee nods.

“Check in on him every so often.”

“I promise, Tony.”

“Good. I trust you, Tim.”

“Who’ll watch your six now, Tony?”

Tony laughs. “Apparently I’ll get a security detail when I start. I’m guessing a couple of marines.”

“Maybe they’ll be cute.”

Tony’s breath hitches. “I’m done with men for a while,” he says. “Women, too.”

“Abby’s ready to kill Gibbs for driving you away.”

Tony sighs. “Don’t let her get too angry with him. We made our peace.”

“Did he even try to get you to stay?”

The expression in Tony’s face tells McGee everything. His eyes slide to the piano, remembering Gibbs’ pleas when they were under it.

“And you still said no?” McGee’s tone is impossibly gentle.

“I can’t keep letting him treat me like shit, Tim. And if I stayed it would just continue. It’s one thing at work, but it’s a whole other thing when it’s at home too.” Tony squares his shoulders. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Help me drink myself to oblivion tonight?”

“Sure thing, Tony.”

McGee and Tony get horribly drunk and pass out in the living room, Tim stretched out on the sofa and Tony sprawled on his stomach on the floor.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue

The following night, McGee asks Ducky to accompany him to Gibbs’ house. Gibbs has not been answering his phone and McGee feels the responsibility of caring for his Team Lead now that he is the Senior Field Agent, and especially since Tony had specifically asked him to make sure Gibbs wasn’t drinking too much. They walk through Gibbs’ quiet house and find him passed out under his boat in the basement. He has on one of Tony’s red OSU hoodies, and is curled around an empty bottle of bourbon and what looks like a button-down shirt. There are dried tear tracks on his face.

McGee blows out a breath. “Well, at least they have the same MO,” he tells Ducky. “Tony was crying into _his_ bourbon last night.”

Ducky smiles sadly. “I suppose they are most suited to each other.”

When McGee tries to take the shirt away, he recognizes it as one of Tony’s button down shirts. Gibbs clutches it tighter, refusing to let it go. McGee notices that there are no buttons on the shirt and tries not to think about how the shirt would have gotten to that condition. He and Ducky manage to wrestle Gibbs from under the boat and settle him on his couch, placing a large glass of water and aspirin on the side table.

“What a fucking mess,” McGee mutters softly.

Ducky pats McGee’s back. “I’ll stay with him tonight,” he says.

“No, Ducky. I’m his SFA now. Tony would have been the one to stay. So I’m staying.”

Ducky nods, pats McGee’s shoulder and leaves.

McGee texts Abby and asks her to look in on Tony. After Gibbs’ week off, he returns to work and terrorizes all the TADs and Probies that Vance places on the MCRT. Everybody is very careful not to mention Tony’s name in front of him, even though the gossip mill has gone crazy with the speculation on their relationship, and the reasons why it ended. But slowly life returns to normal within the MCRT, cases still need to be solved, and coffee to be drunk.

The new Undersecretary of the Navy quickly becomes the SecNav’s right hand man, and cuts an impressive figure in his expensive designer suits and his impeccable competence. The work is challenging and interesting, sometimes calling for his investigative skills, people skills, and even undercover skills when he is socializing with foreign dignitaries and policy makers. He is rarely in DC and keeps busy. Despite being single and very attractive, he rarely dates, throwing himself into his work instead. He keeps in touch with Abby, McGee, Bishop, Ducky and Palmer, texting them pictures of random things found during his work travels. He carefully never asks about Gibbs, and neither does Gibbs ask about him.


End file.
